Exercise Is Dangerous

Do you remember the last time you fell down? I do, it was last night. Here's the thing, I like to drink. I know, shocking. But unlike most normal people alcohol acts as more of a stimulant rather than a depressant for me. Yet ANOTHER reason I should be allowed to drink on the job, the job I don't have, my make-believe job if you will. Anyhoo, after a few cocktails I can think of nothing I'd rather do than clean my apartment like a crack head who just had a play date with Amy Winehouse, or work out. Like exercise and shit.

So I get a few drinks down me and am feeling a little randy.....wait NO! Energetic, yes that's it, energetic. What is a somewhat intoxicated gal looking to burn off some energy and a few calories to do? Well she goes jogging of course! I leash up my mutt and off we go! Up the street, down the slightly scary path where crazies could potentially hide (no worries, my mutt is very intimidating if you don't know him) and over to cut through the elementary school. We're going along, heart rate up and feeling good when....what's this?? Suddenly I am FLAT ON MY BACK. And not in the good, sexy way. Wha happen?? After several seconds of hazy confusion I realize my mutt has gone left around a tree and I had the misfortune of going right. Obviously he is the more determined of the two of us and his leash has acted as a rubber band of sorts snapping me back (physically as well as mentally) to the grim, tipsy reality that is my existence. This is what I get for working out? What a load! Now you may be thinking to yourself that perhaps had I not been under the influence this could have been prevented. Well you'd be wrong. End of discussion.

I have however learned a few life lessons from this experience:

1- It is possible to feel embarrassment when doing something foolish even if the only other living creature around is your dog. Might help if he'd stop staring at me with that look of pity and shame.

2- There truly is no gain without pain.

3- Regardless of countless years of study and research exercise is dangerous and not for the general public. It should only be attempted by professional athletes and super models. Good luck bitches!!