Exercise Is Dangerous

Do you remember the last time you fell down? I do, it was last night. Here's the thing, I like to drink. I know, shocking. But unlike most normal people alcohol acts as more of a stimulant rather than a depressant for me. Yet ANOTHER reason I should be allowed to drink on the job, the job I don't have, my make-believe job if you will. Anyhoo, after a few cocktails I can think of nothing I'd rather do than clean my apartment like a crack head who just had a play date with Amy Winehouse, or work out. Like exercise and shit.

So I get a few drinks down me and am feeling a little randy.....wait NO! Energetic, yes that's it, energetic. What is a somewhat intoxicated gal looking to burn off some energy and a few calories to do? Well she goes jogging of course! I leash up my mutt and off we go! Up the street, down the slightly scary path where crazies could potentially hide (no worries, my mutt is very intimidating if you don't know him) and over to cut through the elementary school. We're going along, heart rate up and feeling good when....what's this?? Suddenly I am FLAT ON MY BACK. And not in the good, sexy way. Wha happen?? After several seconds of hazy confusion I realize my mutt has gone left around a tree and I had the misfortune of going right. Obviously he is the more determined of the two of us and his leash has acted as a rubber band of sorts snapping me back (physically as well as mentally) to the grim, tipsy reality that is my existence. This is what I get for working out? What a load! Now you may be thinking to yourself that perhaps had I not been under the influence this could have been prevented. Well you'd be wrong. End of discussion.

I have however learned a few life lessons from this experience:

1- It is possible to feel embarrassment when doing something foolish even if the only other living creature around is your dog. Might help if he'd stop staring at me with that look of pity and shame.

2- There truly is no gain without pain.

3- Regardless of countless years of study and research exercise is dangerous and not for the general public. It should only be attempted by professional athletes and super models. Good luck bitches!!

Too Much Time On My Hands (You have to sing it)

Since being unemployed, I've done what any normal, mature, proactive adult would do in my situation. Mostly drink and feel terribly sorry for myself. I fill the hours in between by crying uncontrollably. Good times. However being the over achiever that I am, I've also managed to accomplish the following:

I have baked and consumed several entire chocolate cakes, in addition to the 9,248 calorie diet I've adopted lately. Maybe Santa wasn't to blame for that extra 5....er about 7 now, pounds I got for Christmas.

I now sleep on average, 15 hours a night.

I have also called (only to receive a busy signal) the unemployment claim hot line approximately 612 times. If I were dating unemployment, they would have moved, changed their phone number and email and served me with a restraining order.

In an attempt to explore my creative side, I've began knitting outer wear for my dog and both cats. It's a great outlet for my artistic ability as well as providing a terrifying glimpse into my future as a single, fat, cat lady living alone in my craptastic apartment. Pass the scotch. The only down side is the disapproving looks and minor injuries I've sustained from the animals while fitting them for their fancy new frocks. Ungrateful bastards.

Obviously I have found many inventive ways to fill the time I used to waste being a somewhat productive member of society. Please feel free to take notes should you ever find yourself in a similar situation. Perhaps I'll conduct a seminar as well. Stay tuned for times and locations near you.