Must Be on the Naughty List

Things I got for Christmas:

1. A white Christmas!! (I'm from Utah and I went home for the holidays. No, I'm not Mormon but most of my family is, so yes, it's very possible I'm inbred. It would explain a lot.)

2. Santa brought me 5 pound of flab. Santa is a dick.

3. Fancy, sassy, sexy black boots.

4. A pickled liver, although to be fair I've been working on that one for a while now....

5. Laid......off that is. Yep, I have officially been affected by the economy. Last Thursday we had our office holiday party. The next day I got laid off. "Thanks for everything, merry Christmas, now get the f*&$ out". You want to know what really pisses me off? (besides the fact that I planned the party and I am now spending the majority of my free time drinking and scouting out the nicest bridge I can find to liver under, at least I'll look hot in my new boots, maybe I can find a nice hobo boyfriend, YES!!) What really pisses me off is that had I known that I would no longer have to see my coworkers, I would have gotten FAR more intoxicated at our holiday party. I was totally on my best behavior!! What a waste. I would have gone out with one hell of a drunken bang.

Things I WOULD have done:

1. Pole dance. No pole necessary

2. Thrown up in a potted plant.

3. Hit on my hot married coworker. Because I'm classy.

4. Told the CEO that despite the fact he's from Belgium or some shit, his accent sounds exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger and BEG him to say "It's not a tumor."

5. Fallen down. More than once.

But alas I had not the foresight to do any of this. Hind sight truly IS 20/20. I learned a valuable lesson though, if you have the chance to make an ass out of yourself, do so because you never know when the opportunity may be taken away and being respected by friends and colleagues is overrated really.

Ho-Down-Shin-Dig

This is a magical time of year in the city of sin, no not because of the approaching holiday season or the change in weather (it actually snowed yesterday, hell has officially frozen over). It's special because every year about this time the PBR comes to town. For those of you that are unfamiliar, as I was, not only does PBR stand for Pabst Blue Ribbon (which I'm sure was a proud sponsor) it also stands for Professional Bull Riders and apparently they have their annual Playoffs? World Series? Bowl?? I donno, basically they all come to town to ride bulls and kick shit (the shit kicking is just my assumption).

Anyway.

They kick off the festivities with a good ol fashioned ho-down because really, what says good ol fashioned like the neon glow of Frontier Street and where are more ho's down than Vegas?

Now in the five or so years I've lived here I've never been to or really even been aware of the whole thing. Although I do remember a few times over the years noticing an unusually large amount of junk hugging jeans and handlebar mustaches roaming the city, didn't think too much about it at the time but it all makes sense now.

This year I have new work Friend Lyndsay and she is a cowgirl in the purest sense of the word (she even comes equipped with her own ranch!) Well despite the fact that this wasn't really my scene Lyndsay lured me there with promises of free flowing booze, hookers and blow.

Except not hookers and blow.

Boy was I in for a treat! There were Wranglers as far as the eye could see! Country bands I'd never heard of, HUGE hair, I mean I had big hair in the 80's, but it was the 80's for God's sake!! I also saw this guy:

He looks like fun

All was going well and we were having a drunken good time as you can plainly see:

I even shin-digged (shin-dug?) with Matt that you see above. Mostly I just hung on for dear life as he tried to guide my uncoordinated ass in an act that may or may not have resembled dancing. He's a good man. In the mean time Lyndsay was apparently hittin the sauce pretty hard, which in turn lead to her taking a swing at an old acquaintance (and all around bad man) that for reasons unbeknownst to me, goes by the name of "Pepper". Interesting. Ever wonder why there's never a cop around when you need one?

I know! I know! Pick ME!!

It's because they are attempting to subdue a very drunk, very angry 5'1" little girl. Sorry robbery/rape/murder victim, Las Vegas police have no time for you. I SAID NO TIME. They have smaller fish to fry. Matt being the good man that he is followed as they carted off our hero mostly to make sure they didn't taze her ass. Long story short Matt got arrested for some "past issues that had yet to be resolved". Lyndsay walked away minus a police record and plus a cops phone number. I guess Officer Nightstick likes his ladies drunk and angry. But don't feel too bad for our friend Matt, he was bailed out a couple days later and he took it all with a grain of salt. After all have you ever seen anyone so damn happy to be in handcuffs??

Didn't think so.

Mutt For Sale....errrr....FREE!!

I love my dog. He rocks. Mostly. Every once in a while he gets a hankerin' (is that a word known to people that are NOT inbred?) Anyway. He gets bored while I'm away at work makin that bacon and he begins to look for things to chew on. From what I can gather he starts with the garbage, but it's just bedroom garbage so all he really gets is lint trap leftovers, tissues still damp with my tears and on a really good day a Starbucks coffee cup. After exhausting the garbage grub, he moves on to other various chewables including, but not limited to: A brand new box of tampons, dish towels, a shoe that resembled something Peg Bundy would wear (he probably actually did me a favor with that one) the cat(s) and anything else that he deems edible. Well last night, I came home to this:

That's right, apparently my MAC lipstick was on his list of tasty treats. This is only 1 of 3 piles of destroyed lipsticks I came home to. Sadly, this is not even the first time he's done this. MAC seems to be a favorite but he doesn't discriminate, he also enjoys Estee Lauder and Clinique. And he also doesn't limit his options to lipstick, oh no, he enjoys a good compact as well (mirror just gives it texture, like nuts or croutons!) eye shadow and blush, a tube of mascara is also an acceptable snack. I know what you're thinking, why not put my whore paint where he can't get to it, well that IS an idea isn't it?? Too easy.

He knows he's been naughty, so I come home to this:

DO NOT let him fool you, he's not sorry. I used to get really upset and yell at him (that just makes him tinkle and then I have to clean that up too) so now I don't yell, it's a cold war and he gets the silent treatment. He can hold out longer than I can, but my psychological mind tricks get to him, I can tell.