Movin' On Up

Holy Christ it happened. I GOT A HOME LOAN!!! With the help of my mom, because after all I am 32 and while some would consider a person my age to be an adult (at least the police and IRS certainly seem to) anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I am incapable of being financially independent from my mother. So no surprise she had to cosign.

I suck with a capital BLOW.

Think of me when contemplating having kids. BAD idea.

I am really the happiest girl in the whole world right now. In a few short months I'll get to give a big ol F-U to the my shit hole apartment complex and the stupid heifer that stomps around over my head day and night. I'm pretty sure my new place is going to look a little something like this:

A little ostentatious I know, but with a whole 100k to spend, can you blame me?

Mariachi Madness

In case anyone was wondering what I was hearing through the ceiling last night......

Too Old for Da Club

This last weekend I did the unthinkable, something I swore I'd never do again. But just like Pampered Chef party's and helping someone move, I took one for the team and it resulted in my tired old ass shuffling into the goddamn club. What club? Donno, don't care they're all the same.

Hundreds of twenty somethings with too much make-up and too little clothing trying so desperately to look hot. It's dance floors packed with stumbling gyrating bimbo's getting dry humped by frat boys in town from Oklahoma. It's multiple bars with giant clusterfucks of people 5 deep waiting 20 minutes to pay $17 for a cocktail from the only 2 bartenders working. Too many numbers? Yeah I thought so too. Let me do the math for you. Multiply 5 + 20 - 15 divided by 2 = get me the FUCK out of here before I start punching shit.

Don't get me wrong, I've done the club thing and it was fun for a while. But I've been over it now for quite a few years and I really couldn't be happier with my decision. (As are the guys that for whatever reason aren't into dirty old ladies ogling their young sexy asses, but I digress) That's why I was slightly shocked when my girlfriend who was turning 29 decided to go clubbing the entire weekend she was in town. I suppose 29 is still 20's but really I think anything over 25 is pushing it. Whatever, I stayed the obligatory 25 minutes and then did what any little old lady would do, drove home (blinker on the whole way) cracked open a nice can of Ensure and slipped in season 2 of my Matlock DVDs. That Andy Griffith sure is a dreamboat....

The Bitch Must Die

I hate the stupid bitch that lives above me and here is the latest instalment of my rantings about her.

As luck would have it, my assigned parking spot is next to hers. Well yesterday the stupid, inconsiderate bitch managed to put a big dent in my car door. Actually I think it was her ugly demon spawn that that assaulted my unsuspecting Civic. Apparently the wretched offspring opened her door so hard that not only did she dent my car, she hit it hard enough to set off my alarm. In the two years I've had that car I had yet to hear the alarm, I didn't even realize it was mine until I went out to leave. I know it was her because about a minute after my poor baby started wailing she waddled her fat clumsy ass up the stairs and stomped into her apartment. Nice lesson to teach your kid lady, damage someones property and then lumber away as fast as your squat little legs can carry you. I'm sure she'll use this life lesson on many occasions in her future career as the boil on the ass of society she's surely destined to become. On a side note- kids SUCK.

But nobody worry, I got my revenge and it was sweet. I ......wait for it......... wrote her a note!! That's right, a NOTE. I thanked her for the dent and told her not to let in happen again. I know, pretty harsh. Did I mention I also intentionally opened my car door wide enough to hit her car? I did but I guess I'm lacking the same freakish upper body strength her mutant offling has because not a dent did I make. But on the bright side, I think I got the latest dose of pure hatred out of my system for now. It's a damn shame I don't spend as much time and energy toward self improvement as I do being pissed off, I'd be one stellar human being.